the chaos of change

I always write in codes where meanings unfold differently to the level of whoever reads it knowing that I got diverse readership. This is probably where the art of writing comes in; where an inner stirring gets defused in a calculated manner and in layers to unravel. Well for those who cracked its core, you would have known that lately I am in for a ride of my life. And while I paint the chaos of my surroundings and to my surroundings, my inner pandemonium gets more magnified.

Oh yeah, this is one of those very rare times where I say “it’s not you, it’s me. I am the problem.” There I said it, plainly and clearly; not coded. And now that I got into terms with that, I can change it.

I thought I had bounced back from hitting rock bottom; instead I spent years circling it, fooling myself that I’m fine, clinging to those parts that have long been gone. And when I resisted this transition, I had disabled myself emotionally. I had become a walking time bomb, with maximum toxicity; almost incapable of maintaining harmonious friendships and becoming an emotional infant. I had developed paranoia thinking that people are deliberately creating problems to trip me up coupled with an egotism claiming my right for the world to wait on standby until I’m ready to do my bidding.

I could not accept and embrace my ignominious breakdown. Without such acceptance I could simply not have my leap of faith .Indeed a man’s faith can falter; mine just did.

And so I begged the Good One above for my own Pentecost experience, to have the wisdom to see the better path, to have the courage to face and embrace the chaos of change, to be fearless in the face of death.

I pray for faith.

love and death

While I was looking for a good book to read, I came across a title “Love and Death.” I got struck by it enough for me to try to figure how the phrase hit a chord on me.

Love is the beginning of life, while death is simply the end. The striking contrast of these two words seemed to suggest that each is the opposite of the other. The absence of one necessitates the occurrence of the other. Therefore one can simply say that to love means to be alive and to die means to simply stop loving.
Yet for some reason, such thought just doesn’t hold true for those who are in love or even for those who had loved at some point in their lives. In the real world, when a person loves, he dies; he just has to. The two words are simply entwined.

To love is to die. There are different levels of death when one starts to love, first is the death of self. For when one loves, the self interest ceases to be. The “I” starts to get beyond what would make himself comfortable and begins to consider the well being of the other. Second is the death of pride. When the “I” falls in love, he makes himself vulnerable to the other; he begins to put his guard down and learns to have faith on the other. Pride ceases when the degree of helplessness and reliance increases. Third is the death of self-preservation. For some reason, self-preservation even as an instinct loses power over a person in love. This I just can’t figure why, but such phenomenon is avowed by all the stupid things one does in the name of love. Martyrdom for one are all willingly done in the name of love.

To love, therefore, is to die. In fact, love is perfected by death, and death only finds meaning in love. Christ’s love would not have been as divine if it had not culminated on the cross.

Now, do you want to die? haha

women

I was asked by my newest minion to write about how complicated women are. hmmm... the proposition is interesting. hahaha

In theory, women can do whatever men can. In theory, women are as intellectual as men. The language of women is the very same language that we use as we deal with people everyday. A ‘yes’ means yes and a ‘no’ means no.  

And true enough, when a woman says no she means no provided that... and a yes for her is a yes if and only if, or just to a certain degree (what?! there are varying degrees of yes?!) ... hahaha experience would tell us that there is always this underlying meaning to every word that they say, meaning that is yet to be deciphered otherwise war would be inevitable. Even the smartest and the most straightforward female i have ever met is genetically wired to have this kind of sub-language.  

Just as well, women would always insist that they mean what they say and that their words should be taken as they are. For us who know better, we always proceed with a never-ending clarification and verification in the most subtle way we can just to be sure if we got them right. hahaha  

And take note,. i'm only talking about words being said, there are still things like when they don't reply which could mean a million things, or when they don't show up on a date and expect to be forgiven but when we are late for just a few minutes it's as if we should be subjected to a capital punishment. And here’s the bomb, women's greatest weapon is not really their charm but their silence. Man, if your woman all of a sudden becomes quiet, you better start praying. hahaha

There's also this unwritten rule that by virtue of their gender, they should always win in any fight. If they don't, then it's not yet the end of it. hahaha  

But the greatest mystery of it all, is that by some cosmic force we just love them for that. I personally would not want them any other way.

Empires and kingdoms have risen and fallen just because of a woman's kiss. her smiles had launched and is still launching thousands of ships for battles to death.  

The fate of this world lies on HER. And as for me, i'm just waiting for my woman to come and say the word; and i shall climb the highest mountain and dive the deepest sea.

Teaching is newfound paradise

(my first published article) Philippine Daily Inquirer First Posted 23:25:00 10/13/2010

I HAVE been told countless of times that it is so stupid to make a career out of teaching. It can never make one rich. The second proposition may be true, but the first one is certainly wrong. I have been a 'stubborn' teacher for eight years now.

Friends tell me, 'Church, you are wasting your talents! You are so promising in the corporate world, we could use you in here'; or 'Reality check, my friend, you are living in the world where money matters.' Just last month, my best friend told me 'Look at our former classmate, he was the dumbest in our class and he made it, how much more if you are in there!'

Friends, thank you for your faith in me. I know you care, but I chose a more fulfilling path. I hope you will be happy for me.

Yes, I'm a teacher, an ordinary high school teacher. My job is not financially rewarding, but my God, I would not trade it for the world! Let me tell you how I ended up in this paradise. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever plan to become a teacher. My father was grooming me to be the best lawyer in the world, I was all set to enter UP to pursue that dream but God?s ways are mysterious. My father was initially so bitter when I didn't take advantage of my UP scholarship slot to the point of even threatening to disown me. But he eventually respected and supported my decision. I stayed with the Missionary Society of St. Columban for five years. There I felt God's hands forming me and preparing me for something great.

When I left the society, I lost my sense of direction. I came to Cebu looking for a job. The easiest job I could think of then was teaching. For some reason I felt I was led to this path by some invisible force. I had no teaching experience, yet I was hired by a school known for excellence and prestige. Teaching was the greater plan God had for me. But I did not realize it at the start. Unlike some of the teachers who started with so much passion and ended up bitter, teaching was just a daily routine, until slowly I saw the paradise I was led into. I thought I was only teaching the insignificant details of how Magellan ended up dead in some shore in Mactan, but I was actually leading my students to wonder and wander. What was so amazing was that I also changed for the better in the process. My students' experiences, their erratic behaviors and mischiefs, their friendships and even their painful life stories taught me lessons in life and living.

Even if others 'look down' on me as an ordinary teacher, I'm not bothered for I believe that whatever little I share with my students help them to become better and more loving people, to be men and women for others.

For whatever it's worth, I'm so grateful to be part of the lives of my students. It is such a privilege to be given the opportunity to influence lives. After all, in my deathbed, it would not really matter anymore what kind of car I was driving or how big my house was.